I'm a snooper.

One time I lucked up on a boyfriends email password and found evidence of him corresponding with someone he had frequent phone sex with. I wasn't mad though I tried to be because I knew that was the normative response. I was more intrigued and I loved knowing about something that he didn't know I knew. This also gave me license to enjoy some dalliances of my own virtually guilt free. As we were breaking up he asked me if I ever cheated on him I said no and returned the question back to him - he said no as well though we both were aware of the obvious unspoken.

After this relationship I moved on to a very different kind of man. One a little smarter and thereby sneakier-. There were issues - too many to name, and I found myself snooping again. He spoke another language so I had to step the sleuths skills up. Eventually this exhausted me. After a painful break up we went our separate ways.

After this I felt I had learned some truths about myself. As long as I was sneaky, I'd keep attracting sneaky. I knew this was a symptom of me not being in love and feeling devoted to my partners. I also accepted that I loved the thrill of having parts of my life always secret and separate. This has not changed. I did fall for someone and I have devoted myself to our commitment. Early in our relationship he accused me of snooping through his phone. I had not, and I had not tried. He was convinced and the irony was a resounding one. I maintained my innocence and he claimed to believe me - though I think partially he was just keeping the peace as I would not back down from my position. He confessed that he had read my emails early in our relationship because they were just "left open."   Okay.

I believe that ideally relationships are based on truth and other granola morals, but actually people and the relationships they create are entirely more complex. When you're deeply in love the other is not always that deep in it - when you're nonchalant they are all over you- yet you're still together making a go of it enjoying and building whatever you're calling it.

Real true relationships contain moments of lies, omissions and also truth, trust, and confessions. Then comes acceptance forgiveness and deeper love. So along the way if you find yourself snooping to whatever degree - examine it from that vantage point and face the challenge of what that means for you and your partner - beyond the world of fantasy.
 

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